I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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