You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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