oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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