all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
