hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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