Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
