It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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