I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
