You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
