just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
