The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
