A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
