My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
