I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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