i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
