I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
