Already got asked if we're dating
she smelled like a LAN party
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
