Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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