Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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