Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
