Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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