The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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