In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I party with great urgency now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
