You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize