I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
