Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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