It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
