Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
