Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
