I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize