Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
