Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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