Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
