do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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