According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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