Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
