we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
