i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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