At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
