One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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