So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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