P.S. I can't hear my feet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
