She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
