I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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