ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
