i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
