I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
