Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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