85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
