listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
