someone threw a dead crab at me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
