This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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