So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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