woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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