Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
