The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Boobs speak an international language.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
