we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
