saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
