The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
