RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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