chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
