Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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