dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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