Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
