Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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