nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
