I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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