his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
